How do you flirt without being creepy? Why do men skip sex ed and consent talks, and where do they learn about sex instead? Sex and consent educator samantha bitty on rejection, the manosphere, and the questions men are too embarrassed to ask out loud.
How do you flirt without being creepy? Why do men skip sex ed and consent talks, and where do they learn about sex instead? Sex and consent educator samantha bitty on rejection, the manosphere, and the questions men are too embarrassed to ask out loud.
samantha bitty is a sex and consent educator based in Toronto.
Find samantha bitty
Website: samanthabitty.com
Instagram: @samantha_bitty
Resources from samantha:
nixit: Menstrual and sexual wellness products. samantha discusses her work as a spokesperson in the interview.
samantha bitty’s media library: Articles, interviews and educational videos.
Sex Sessions: samantha’s educational video series.
Produced by Katie Jensen of Vocal Fry Studios, now in her third season with GETSOME.
Chapters
00:00 Introduction
03:21 Responding to nudes and checking consent
05:54 Flirting with someone, not at them
09:00 Inviting men into sex and consent education
12:56 Porn literacy and partnered sex
17:04 Safer sex, preferences and boundaries
19:09 Rejection resilience and the manosphere
27:26 The responsibility of teaching about sex
30:52 Sexual harm, accountability and power
35:53 The questions men ask in private
37:05 Erections, early ejaculation and staying present
39:41 nixit and live sex education events
43:19 Credits
[00:00] samantha bitty: I always say to everyone who will listen, the weight of the world makes the pussy dry, the weight of the world makes the dick soft. We've all got a lot going on.
[00:27] Michelle Fischler: I'm Michelle Fischler, certified sex therapist, and this is GETSOME. This season, I want to talk about men, what they're told they should be, and what happens in bed when they can't be it. What would you ask a sex educator if no one else could hear? Be honest, it's probably whether you're bad at sex. samantha bitty has been answering that one, and a million others, for the better part of 20 years, mostly in rooms with suspiciously few men in them.
[01:03] samantha bitty: What I observed was that when we have the sex ed talk or we have the consent talk, it's the girls and the gays. It's just queer and it's femme and it's like, where are the boys? Where are the men?
[01:15] Michelle Fischler: And that's a problem because skipping consent education doesn't make the questions go away. Instead, lots of guys end up typing their questions into the internet, where a lot of very confident men with ring lights are waiting with terrible answers.
[01:32] samantha bitty: When we see the emergence of the manosphere, when we see the algorithms built to manipulate young men and weaponize their insecurities and their rejections, it either becomes depression or it becomes rage and aggression. And a lot of that has to do with rejection's uncomfortable. If we have not taught people how to process rejection, they're going to be left to their own devices around it. And there are cultures of harm around that.
[02:06] Michelle Fischler: Which is how you end up with grown men still nursing a grudge from high school.
[02:11] samantha bitty: A dude seeing a woman across the field and being like, oh, I know her. I'm like, oh yeah, like, how do you know her? Well, she was supposed to go to the prom with me in 1999 and you know what I mean? And it's like, are you okay? Like that was 35 years ago. Like, so it's like this person did not have the culture around him to process this rejection. Instead, he created the story where he's been wronged by her. And I'm sure every woman he's dated has been held hostage to that story.
[02:42] Michelle Fischler: The flip side is that plenty of guys are working hard not to become that guy and their questions for samantha are pretty sweet.
[02:50] samantha bitty: They want to know how to flirt. They want to know how to ask somebody out in a way that isn't creepy.
[02:55] Michelle Fischler: She also has some great tips for sexting.
[02:58] samantha bitty: My advice to anyone who's sexting or dirty talking is to flirt with and not at.
[03:07] Michelle Fischler: If you've ever typed a question into a search bar at 2 a.m. because you didn't have an after-hours sex educator on speed dial, this one's for you. Here's my conversation with samantha bitty. Let's start with what would samantha bitty do? Perfect. When you send them a nude, but he has no idea what to send back.
[03:36] samantha bitty: So first things first, whoever's receiving the nude has to respond with dramatic levels of enthusiasm. Like an emoji response to the actual photo. First things first. That can range from wet to hot to melt to whatever, depends on the dynamic. And then at least two to three lines of commentary, compliments. I think that is the best way to respond to a nude. Nude does not necessarily beget nude, right? Like sending one does not necessarily mean that I want one in response. Maybe this has like been pre-negotiated.
[04:16] samantha bitty: But in terms of what kind of nudes should a man send, and let's say this is a man who has a penis, because we know not all men have penises, right? Probably not like a close-up, zoomed-in, here's my bellend, you know? Like, I would include hands and some other parts of the body, and they don't necessarily need to be full explicit. Maybe you've got your little panties on, and it's, like, in there. Maybe that's what I want to see. That's my answer.
[04:51] Michelle Fischler: Is there a scenario where you send a nude pic, but let's say he wasn't ready for it or he was shocked or maybe even offended?
[05:05] samantha bitty: They're never ready because I'm built like that, but I do not send unsolicited nudes is to answer that question. And if I'm sending a nude to someone, it's either been requested or we have the kind of relationship dynamic where it is welcome. But generally speaking, in my relationships where nudes are sent, which aren't only romantic, by the way, I am like a nudes treasure trove. People send me nudes all the time, friends, well-wishers, they're like, hey, can I show you this nude? And you can tell me if it's good.
[05:39] samantha bitty: Like I receive a lot of nudes on a regular basis and I only send them when asked or I'm gonna send you something to fuck up your day. And it does.
[05:49] Michelle Fischler: You're very clear that it's a yes. Now, what if samantha bitty is dating a guy and he wants to sound sexy with you but he's a little bit shy?
[06:07] samantha bitty: The sexiest thing is confidence, right? Like the most sexy thing is confidence. And we can say a lot of things as long as we land that plane, right? I would invite people who feel shy to, again, like lead with compliments. Like, I want to show you how hot you are, you know, things like that. Like, I want to know what makes you feel good. But lean into the notion that how the person you're talking to feels is important to you. Not just what they look like, not just what you want to do to them, not just what you want to feel or experience, but like, what's the truth of it?
[06:47] samantha bitty: It's like, oh, I want to make you feel good. Like even something like that is so sexy. Yeah. And I mean, dirty talk, so to speak, or sexting or any of those things, whether it's in person or it's via digital means it's a conversation like any other conversation and my advice to anyone who's sexting or dirty talking is to flirt with and not at. When we're being flirted at or we're being talked at whether that's a normal conversation or a day-to-day, like a sexy conversation, we feel it.
[07:29] samantha bitty: And what that requires of us is listening and then responding, right? Our same social skills that we can use day-to-day can be applied to horny conversations.
[07:41] Michelle Fischler: When a guy finds out what you do for a living, what does he ask you? And what is he actually trying to ask?
[07:53] samantha bitty: It's been a long time since I've had a new date that was a man. But historically when I was in the streets, there was often a lot of confusion. Like they didn't quite understand what it meant to be a sex and consent educator. Some people conflated that with, with, oh, so are you like teaching people how to give blow jobs? Or they would interpret it as I was engaging in a certain type of sex work. Although I am someone who believes that sex education and sex educators are sex workers too, in a different extent, like philosophically, spiritually, emotionally, as opposed to physically per se.
[08:37] samantha bitty: But yeah, there was often a lot of confusion. And some of that is because a lot of men of the age that like I am, that age-appropriate men didn't really receive sex education. And they definitely don't have an ongoing sex education as adults. And so it's hard for them to compartmentalize what it is that I would be teaching or how I would be teaching it.
[09:00] Michelle Fischler: You were talking about sex education and where men get it from. Many guys shut down the second that sex ed starts feeling like a lecture. How can you bring them back into the conversation?
[09:18] samantha bitty: So my practice, I started out in clinic work. So I worked in a couple of different sexual health environments. I also worked in reproductive justice. So I worked in abortion care. I decided to become an independent educator. And what I observed was that when we have like sex ed talk, or we have the consent talk, or we have the gender-based violence prevention or feminist space or intersectional space, it's the girls and the gays. It's just queer and it's femme, and it's like, where are the boys?
[09:51] samantha bitty: Where are the men? And instead of placing the blame on boys and men who, as we know, are disproportionately responsible for causing sexual harms, instead of putting the blame on them and being like, well, they're not at the consent talk, what is the consent talk signaling to them that tells them that they are welcome, that tells them that they are invited, to tell them that they are part of the conversation, and it isn't just going to be a lecture on, You're bad, and here's all the ways you're bad.
[10:19] samantha bitty: This is when I developed my game show. So I host a sex ed and consent game show. I think it's important that we create spaces that have as many entry points into the conversation as possible. So I use art, I use drag, I use games, I use humour, because then folks can come out and they're not going to quote-unquote sex ed and consent talk. They're not going to the intersectional feminist event. They're going to trivia. They're going to the game show and that invites people not just across the gender spectrum but also across like different religious and cultural backgrounds where it might not be acceptable to talk about sex in public.
[10:59] samantha bitty: I've worked with a lot of colleges and universities as well as other kind of third spaces and the feedback I've always received has been, there were more like boys and men here, like straight boys and men here than we've ever had at a sex ed or consent talk. There's more boys and men engaging, participating, actively participating, and then having conversations after the fact. And so as educators, as people who are doing advocacy or want consent to be a normalized part of the conversations that we have with boys and men and girls and women and people across the gender spectrum all in one space as well, right?
[11:45] samantha bitty: Like I believe in our individual spaces, like our gendered spaces or sexual orientation spaces for certain education, but let's all have these conversations together and contribute to them so that they can actually be addressed.
[11:58] Michelle Fischler: And laugh and have fun.
[12:01] samantha bitty: Absolutely.
[12:02] Michelle Fischler: And have it feel safe.
[12:05] samantha bitty: And sexy.
[12:06] Michelle Fischler: Yeah.
[12:07] samantha bitty: Not sterile.
[12:08] Michelle Fischler: Yeah.
[12:08] samantha bitty: I think the balance that a lot of us are trying to strike as educators, therapists, et cetera, people who publicly speak about sex, especially when it comes to, let's say, like, the darker sides of it, like, sexual violence and different types of intimate partner problems. How do we talk about these things in a way that is meaningfully accessible and is pleasure-focused, is pleasure-centred, is looking at what do we want versus what are we trying to avoid, whilst also not sanitizing the realities. And so these can be challenging things to hold, but there are ways to do so and to normalize the discomfort of confronting some of these things.
[12:56] Michelle Fischler: I would assume that porn is the curriculum for most guys.
[13:04] samantha bitty: And girls.
[13:06] Michelle Fischler: And girls, yeah. And what does it teach well? And where is it lying to men in particular?
[13:18] samantha bitty: I am pro porn. I'm a pro porn sex educator because porn is sex education. And our role, not just as sex educators, but as community members, as parents, as friends, our role is to teach critical thinking and to engage in critical thinking as a normal practice. And it's even more important now with deep fakes and whatever, but like AI, like all the stuff around us is gonna change constantly, right? porn has existed for as long as there's been humans having sex. Like there have been erotic materials.
[14:00] samantha bitty: How do we critically think about them? And that's always the message that I give. Like you don't watch a superhero movie and think you're going to be able to jump building to building like Spider-Man. You can be entertained by it. You can enjoy it. It can even tell you like some of the words you want to use or the language you want to engage with, but you're not trying to jump building to building. So when you're watching porn, how do you apply those same critical thinking skills and also with intention be like, oh, this is something that I like, this is something that I enjoy, this is something that I fantasize about without it then building a pathway in your brain where you can only accomplish pleasure and satisfaction and whatever else the motive is when you're enacting it with another person.
[14:50] samantha bitty: Like, remembering that porn is one-sided and partnered sex is not. So understanding those distinctions. So porn can teach us what we like. Porn can also teach us what we don't like. I was looking at a survey the other day that was saying that, like, one-eighth of people who watch porn watch it on mute. Um, I am one of those people. Visually, it might be arousing to me, but performative sex noise is not. So, and that's just my own experience. And there's different reasons why people do that.
[15:25] samantha bitty: But for me, it's about a disruption to the arousal. Like the sounds aren't the thing that are turning me on. It's actually turning me off.
[15:34] Michelle Fischler: Yeah. Where is the porn lying to him?
[15:37] samantha bitty: I think it depends on the porn, but there are a couple areas where it could be lying. One could be the motivation of the participants. Two could be what's expected of him in terms of performance. Porn is a performance, not an experience. And that partnered sex is an experience, not a performance. And it could be lying about how much conversation actually happens in enthusiastically consensual, mutual, co-created sexual experiences. The notion that there's like maybe one conversation about what someone might like while they're doing it or how to navigate barrier methods and when.
[16:30] samantha bitty: Certainly the emergence of more feminist focused porn has more of the kind of like consent and pleasure, mutual pleasure focused narratives, but even then, right? So I think the biggest lie is how much, and I hate to use the language of negotiating because sometimes it can sound like, oh, I need to compromise. I don't mean negotiation in terms of compromise, but how much negotiation happens with partnered sex? And with your own body, not just another person.
[17:04] Michelle Fischler: Totally. And even before the sex, right? Even before you go on your first date, having conversations around, like, what are you into? Like, what are you expecting the date to turn into if it does become sexual? How would you like that to go?
[17:23] samantha bitty: I think, too, that a lot of times there's confusion around when's the right time to have the safer sex conversations, right? Like, here's my STI status, or these are the types of barrier methods that I use, or, like, when do you tell someone, oh, by the way, I'm positive for HSV, right? When do you tell someone, oh, I actually don't do that type of sex, or here are some things that I like or don't like?
[17:52] Michelle Fischler: Or when do you tell someone, oh, you know, I struggle with early ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. These are the things that are really helpful.
[18:05] samantha bitty: You know, like I've been a sex educator for the better part of 20 years. I am a professional at teaching people communication skills. And when I'm in those vulnerable moments or I'm experiencing a rejection because someone is not okay with a status that I have or that there are certain types of sex that I don't feel available for or whatever. Like, my suggestion is building up rejection capacity, right, rejection resiliency, because when you have rejection capacity and rejection resiliency, there is a certain level of fearlessness in communicating these things.
[18:45] samantha bitty: And I'm on like a as relevant as needs to know basis kind of person, but I also have anxiety. So I will let someone know way too soon, like, oh, by the way, I'm someone who gets cold sores. Here's how it has affected me in the past. This is the, like, do you need more information? Whatever, and someone can make a decision how they feel about it, right?
[19:09] Michelle Fischler: How does someone become rejection resilient? Give me an example of what that would look like. What does that work look like?
[19:19] samantha bitty: Part of it is accepting that rejection feels like shit. We, as human beings, one of our most human things is to seek connection, community in the meaningful sense, not in, like, commerce sense, but, like, we want to feel part of, we want to feel welcome, we want to feel those things. So, honoring the, like, humanness of why rejection is so hard, and giving ourselves grace around maybe not processing it the best, right? The other part is to acknowledge all of the ways that rejection occurs in our lives all the time, and to try to like neutralize the different types of rejection because sexual rejection and romantic rejection has its own very particularly gnarly, hard to get over, disquiet in us, right?
[20:13] samantha bitty: So again, just like acknowledging that and being present to our own responses when we're experiencing rejection. I believe in having an awareness of like what the appropriate containers to process those feelings are. And so as someone who has a robust community around me, not just friends and lovers and co-workers and all those things, but just generally, like, I'm a villager, so I have a village, right? When we see the emergence of the manosphere, when we see the complete incelification of all of our children, literal children, like, the algorithms are built to manipulate young men and weaponize their insecurities and their rejections.
[21:06] samantha bitty: It's like, okay, so if a young man does not have the space to process rejection, he can't process it with his friends because harmful masculinity has taught him that he can't show emotion or that he doesn't necessarily need to have bonds with other men that are lovingly platonic or, you know, we're talking about straight men here, but this could also apply to others. Where are they going to go for that processing, right? And a lot of it is online and alternatively it's inward. And what happens when we put things inward is that it either becomes depression or it becomes rage and aggression.
[21:48] samantha bitty: And this is where we kind of follow these steps to why women and girls are afraid to reject men even in a cat call because it can become violent so quickly. And a lot of that has to do with rejection's uncomfortable. If we have not taught people how to process rejection, they're going to be left to their own devices around it. And there are cultures of harm around that. So one of my tools for discomfort that I've recently discovered, not recently, I kind of knew this, but it's been very loud lately, is I start to tell a story, right?
[22:22] samantha bitty: I build up a story in my mind to alleviate the discomfort. And so, let's say I've experienced a rejection from a lover, which I did recently. Someone broke up with me. It's madness. I'm so upset. And instead of just, like, feeling that rejection or accepting that I'm grieving this person and this relationship, the wheels start turning, and either he's a villain, like, he has wronged me, or I'm not enough.
[23:00] Michelle Fischler: Which is like the worst nightmare. A huge fear in many of us.
[23:08] samantha bitty: But that storytelling, right? If I don't know that I'm doing that, then that story becomes my reality. And that's where we end up with incels and everything. Right? So it's like that story that I am entitled to this and I'm being wronged and this is that and whatever and et cetera. It is insidious, right? And so not to go down that like totally dark path of that, but it really does start with making space for boys and men to be embarrassed, right? And like there's just different consequences for men when they're embarrassed.
[23:53] Michelle Fischler: Help me just solidify this, so building a space where men can start to become more comfortable with that experience of rejection, embarrassment, somebody saying no to them, right? teaching them how to instead of going into the story that they then can not necessarily go inwards but be able to process it, put it on the shelf and remember this isn't about you.
[24:42] samantha bitty: Yeah, not everything has to be a core wound. You know, like I play softball. So I'm around men all the time who I wouldn't necessarily be around if not for this, we're playing softball, right? And I've overheard their conversations or been part of conversations where a man of 40 is like still mad at or working through a woman who at the time was a girl because they were in high school, didn't go to the prom with them. Like that sounds like, like I'm making that up because it's so trite.
[25:18] samantha bitty: But like a dude seeing a woman across the field and being like, Oh, I know her. I'm like, Oh yeah, like how do you know her? Well, she was supposed to go to the prom with me in 1999 and you know what I mean? And it's like, Whoa, like, are you okay? Like that was 35 years ago. Like, so it's like this person has not had the space, like did not have the culture around him to process this rejection. Instead, he created the story where he's been wronged by her.
[25:47] samantha bitty: And I'm sure every woman he's dated has been held hostage to that story. And you asked the question of how do we build the spaces for young men to be embarrassed or to process shame, rejection? it, I believe, starts with us as, like, a society and this is, like, from young but also continuing on through our maturation, that we have some delineation and understanding of the difference between punishment, consequences, and accountability. And a lot of people conflate punishment with accountability or they conflate consequences with punishment or there's a lot of confusion around these things.
[26:35] samantha bitty: So if we are able to hold things, mistakes even starts as early as in class when you are like in kindergarten or grade two and it's like, oh, who knows the answer? And then little Joshua raises his hand and gets the wrong answer and then gets shamed by the class for having the wrong answer, right? Or has a hurt feeling and a parent that's like rub some dirt in it. Boomers raised a generation of people with praise kink. That's why we've got all, like, Millennials and Gen Zs all just being like, 'Just love me. Please just like me.' You know? And just having some space for there to be like, 'Oh, what I'm feeling is embarrassed. That was embarrassing.' The default setting does not need to be to shame someone.
[27:26] Michelle Fischler: A while back you expressed an early fear that you are going to mess someone's life up by giving them the wrong information. Seven years later, does that feeling ever leave?
[27:53] samantha bitty: Like as an educator, you mean?
[27:55] Michelle Fischler: Yes, as an educator, right? You hold a lot of responsibility in what you're putting out into the world around sex education. And I don't know if you feel the same way, but I'm always thinking about what I am saying because it would be my worst nightmare to ever find out that what I have said harmed somebody. It feels like a huge responsibility. And so, yeah, my question is to you, does that worry about messing up someone's life by giving them the wrong information, does it ever leave you?
[28:38] Michelle Fischler: Or do you just get better at carrying it?
[28:42] samantha bitty: That is such a good question. And not necessarily something I have consciously thought about in that way, but it hasn't left me in the sense of I do the work that I do, and not just around sex education, but around, I do accountability work with people who've caused sexual harm. Like, there's a spectrum of depth and weight to the types of work that I do from, like, sexy clownery, you know, to, you know, I'm an entertainer, to, I'm an edutainer, to, you know, people's lives, like, moving forward have real implications.
[29:25] samantha bitty: Varying degrees of I take it really seriously. And I think the solve to it is that I try to be as curious as possible as an educator, as a facilitator, as a coach and a lover and a friend and all that. I try to maintain curiosity. And I also have to humble myself in that I am one voice of many. I am part of broader systems that are going to be responsible for the trajectory that people's lives take. But are there things that I've said in a session or, like, really regret or whatever, that keep me up at night?
[30:17] samantha bitty: Absolutely.
[30:19] Michelle Fischler: Yeah.
[30:20] samantha bitty: I think with sex too, like with sex education or sexuality, and I'm sure you find this, when I first started, the language that we used to talk about sex and bodies, the information we had, look at what's happened with PCOS, look what's happened with bacterial vaginosis, look what's happened with, it's just like there's so much evolution to sex and sexuality, which is what makes it so exciting. But I'm definitely on the record saying fuckery, that was not true, and I will be again.
[30:52] Michelle Fischler: In your work with adult men that have caused sexual harm, what's going on underneath that would cause that way of harming other people?
[31:09] samantha bitty: So what I'll say is that I predominantly work with folks who have engaged in harassment, or certain types of abuse but haven't necessarily committed an assault, right? So the majority of my work is with that demographic of people are folks who are in that part of the pyramid. Like what my experiences are, what the experience of others who work with folks who are more towards the top of the rape culture pyramid, like people who have committed rapes or mass assault or like, you know, like that would be different.
[31:48] samantha bitty: Where what I find in the part of the pyramid that I'm in, which is sexual relationships that have problematic or harmful power dynamics in professional settings or people who've engaged in long-term harassment or even like short-term incident type harassment, sexual harms, and why it's important that we have different language, because all of these things are sexual harms, like misogynistic jokes are sexual harms, these are all sexual harms and should be treated seriously. So what I've learned is that, again, there's confusion around consequences and punishment and accountability.
[32:33] samantha bitty: So a lot of people will interpret their consequences of their behaviour as, for one, punishment. They're like, I'm being punished, as well as confusing consequences for accountability. Like accountability is proactive and it's co-created and it's consensual. Consequences just be consequences. Like consequences, like your consequences for your behaviour has been, you've been put on leave from your job. or, you know, the social consequences of everybody hates you at work because you did this and they know. Like, sitting in the discomfort of that, and I think that, like, what I've learned the most, particularly when it comes to harassment, is a lot of confusions about power dynamics because often people who are in positions of certain types of power, namely gendered power, it's hard for them to understand that the other ways that they themselves feel disempowered doesn't circumvent the gendered power.
[33:47] samantha bitty: A lot of my work starts with teaching the intersections of our different identities and our locations and the ways in which we can experience either... The best way I've learned to explain it to people is like, what is our proximity to safety and what is our proximity to harm as opposed to privileged or oppressed. It's so important to also talk about the ways that racialization and gender presentation come into it, right? And that that is also very important factors as it relates to men and young men.
[34:24] samantha bitty: Like what we have to teach young men is going to be informed by their racialization and their proximity to masculinity as it's understood, right? So Black boys and men are more likely to be perceived as threatening, right? Your behaviour is more likely to be perceived as, interpreted as, and then treated with carceral implications. So the nuances of that are things that I feel increasingly are being talked about and are being brought into awareness and are really blatant. But to come back to your initial question, a lot of the men that I have worked with who have caused sexual harm to varying degrees, whether it's like emotional, intimate partner violence or power dynamics or inappropriate relationship or physical harass... sexual harassment, they do not identify their behaviour as a problem.
[35:32] samantha bitty: And that's why I say that whole pyramid needs to be discussed as harms so that they can be addressed, right? we stop, a lot of times we stop at the harm part, right? Like you said earlier, like, oh, a lecture, as soon as it feels like a lecture, then it's people, like I'm not in, right?
[35:53] Michelle Fischler: What do men wait until everyone has left the room to ask you?
[36:01] samantha bitty: When I'm working with like college and university students and stuff like that, it is often, they wanna know how to flirt, that they want to know how to ask somebody out in a way that isn't creepy. And they also want to check in about if something they did was creepy. And yeah, which I shouldn't laugh. It's so sweet. And it's so, you know, it's so important because there is a generation of young men who have listened, right? Like they have said like, oh, shoot. yeah, like I don't want to make someone uncomfortable.
[36:39] samantha bitty: That's not what I'm trying to do. So maybe that requires me to adjust my behaviour, right? Like we focus so much on like the incels and the whatever, like we focus so much on them, but there is actually a very robust generation and generations of men who are like, yeah, I actually want to be a good dude. And I want to do that in a way that is meaningful. And so let's also talk about those guys. And yeah, they want to know like, how do I flirt?
[37:03] samantha bitty: How do I ask somebody out? Is what I did creepy?
[37:05] Michelle Fischler: I have another 'What would samantha bitty...' question. And it is, what would samantha bitty do if she was in a sexual situation with someone and they were struggling with erectile dysfunction?
[37:27] samantha bitty: Mm-hmm. So I always say to everyone who will listen, the weight of the world makes the pussy dry, the weight of the world makes the dick soft, like we're all going, like we've all got a lot going on. Entry level. Never mind if folks are on an antidepressant or like there's just so many reasons why someone might be navigating erectile dysfunction, whether it's in like the pathological way where it's like, this is a constant issue, or it's like, I'm just experiencing it in this moment, right?
[37:59] samantha bitty: Obviously, I'm aware, okay? When it starts to happen, I can tell. Like, I'm here too. Like, we don't need to pretend like this isn't happening. Like, stop thrusting me. Like, we're good. I tend to be like, is everything good? Are you feeling okay? Do you want to do something else? Would you like to take a break? And often it'll be like, no, no, no. And then they're like, yeah.
[38:26] Michelle Fischler: Take two. He's struggling with erectile dysfunction, or maybe he came fast, whatever it is. What is the response that keeps your pussy wet?
[38:41] samantha bitty: The response is to not make a big deal about it. Like the notion that sex is this like one particular act happening in this one particular moment where a penis is hard and a vagina is wet and they're penetrating, like, that's not what sex is. Like, that's not what sex is. Like, sex is the whole shenanigans, the flirting, the touching, all the stuff, all the conversation, all the snuggling, all of the, you know, it's everything. So the sexiest thing for me, and I tell this to everyone who's like, 'Oh,' like, how do I be good at sex?
[39:20] samantha bitty: People ask this question, like, I want to be good at sex. Or like, I'm worried that I'm bad at sex. And I always remind people that the sexiest thing in the world is to be present and to be responsive. Stay present.
[39:41] Michelle Fischler: What would you like to tell the world that you're up to right now, samantha bitty?
[39:46] samantha bitty: Thank you so much for asking. So right now, I am working with nixit, which is a woman-owned sexual wellness brand. And, like, they started out with a period disc, So it is a different shaped menstrual cup and a lot of people find that it has more volume, it's easier to insert, all these different things. So they started out with this sustainability product and have recently branched into more sexual pleasure. So they have condoms, latex condoms and water-based lube. They have retained me as a spokesperson and so I just hosted their very first ever event with my sex ed game show and hoping to definitely do more.
[40:35] samantha bitty: But the biggest thing about this product, the reason why I was excited and enthusiastic about them is because for one, I am not someone who really uses condoms a lot just based on what my partnership shapes are, but I am someone who uses lube. And I am someone who has historically used condoms and not understood why they were like messing me up or why I didn't like them. And I had a lot of stories about like, oh, well, I must have an allergy to latex, or I don't like how this smells, or I don't like how this feels, or why am I irritated?
[41:04] samantha bitty: And like coming to find out that like a lot of latex condoms have dairy products in them. There's no regulations around ingredient disclosure and things like that. And so what I really like about this brand meaningfully and genuinely is that I like their water-based lube. It doesn't dry up. It doesn't get sticky. It doesn't destroy my bedding, which is like, I'm polyamorous. So a lot of polyamory is washing your bedding and shaving your pussy. Like it's just a lot of that. So if I can, you know, minimize the damage, like that is wonderful.
[41:36] samantha bitty: And also just that like there is the ingredient transparency with the brand and that it is designed for vaginas in mind. And that this notion of like women who have sex that condoms are useful for, which is a lot of women, whether they're having sex with men or women or not binary, like shifting narratives around who has condoms, who buys them, why, and that safer sex is also emotional.
[42:03] Michelle Fischler: I love that. Where do people go to see your sexy trivia show?
[42:10] samantha bitty: You can follow me on Instagram at samantha_bitty, B-I-T-T-Y. I tend to do things for Halloween, but I am based in Toronto. So typically speaking, Toronto and the greater areas where you get to see me live and in person and I would encourage it because now that we're getting into winter I don't go outside. You will not see me again until the groundhog says so. So Halloween may be your last chance.
[42:37] Michelle Fischler: Thank you so much for giving me your time. Congratulations with nixit and also it's been such a great experience learning about you.
[42:49] samantha bitty: Thank you so much. I haven't been in an interview where someone has been like, so a decade ago, you said like, thank you for doing the research and for like appreciating the journey I've been on. I'm genuinely humbled and touched and it's been a really fun conversation. Thank you for asking such thoughtful questions and just being open to where this was gonna take us because that's kind of the main thing with sex and sexuality is that it gets to be bottomless and no pun, but like if anything, there's a top shortage.
[43:19] Michelle Fischler: If you have a story that you want to tell on GETSOME, email me at michelle@getsome.ca. Don't forget to follow me on Instagram at getsome_podcast. You'll get insights on sex and sexuality, dating tips and behind-the-scenes content between episodes. This show is produced by Katie Jensen at Vocal Fry Studios. Thanks for listening. See you later.