Finding a friend with benefits can be hard at any age. But today’s guest, Cynthia, faced the daunting task of finding a sexual partner at the age of 78 and following the loss of her husband. She knew that she wanted a friend with benefits, and she even had her eye on someone specific. But the ultimate hurdle? Asking him. In this fascinating and refreshingly open conversation we discuss: 1. What it looks like to be sexually active in your later years of life 2. The stigma of being a senior citizen who craves casual sex. 3. The nuances of sex with aging bodies 4. Maintaining relationships with your “couple friends” after the loss of your long-term partner 5. How to continue experiencing sexual satisfaction in your 70’s and beyond.
Finding a friend with benefits can be hard at any age. But today’s guest, Cynthia, faced the daunting task of finding a sexual partner at the age of 78 and following the loss of her husband. She knew that she wanted a friend with benefits, and she even had her eye on someone specific. But the ultimate hurdle? Asking him.
In this fascinating and refreshingly open conversation we discuss:
1. What it looks like to be sexually active in your later years of life
2. The stigma of being a senior citizen who craves casual sex.
3. The nuances of sex with aging bodies
4. Maintaining relationships with your “couple friends” after the loss of your long-term partner
5. How to continue experiencing sexual satisfaction in your 70’s and beyond. Show Notes:
Show notes:
Guest Introduction:
Exploring Desire and Loneliness:
Challenges and Fears:
Navigating Boundaries and Expectations:
Exploring Options and Self-Reflection:
Conclusion:
Closing Credits:
[00:00:00] Cynthia: I had this friend. I started thinking, well, would he be interested in a sexual relationship? I guess the scary thing for me would be if he like turned it around and said to me, but why do you want that sex?
[00:00:14] Michelle: [Music] Get some insight. Get some fun. Get some pleasure. Get some…
[00:00:22] A lot of people might think that when you're single, you're in the market for a meaningful and committed relationship, but [00:00:30] that isn't always true. Sometimes you're looking for great sex and human connection with no strings attached. Because let's be honest, sometimes you can't always do it for yourself.
[00:00:41] Cynthia: I started reading all these fluffy romance novels and watching Harlequin movies. Yeah. And I noticed that I had this like, almost like a little buzz in my stomach when the right people connected in the shows. I was having sexual urges, and yes, [00:01:00] I can masturbate and pleasure myself, but then I started thinking, well, what about real life?
[00:01:08] Michelle: When you're in your later years of life, like my guest today, Cynthia, who is 78 years old, finding a sexual partner can be a daunting and difficult prospect.
[00:01:20] Cynthia: If you want someone to arouse you and stimulate you sexually, you take what you can get at this stage of life.
[00:01:28] Michelle: Cynthia called into the [00:01:30] show because she's interested in starting a friends with benefits relationship with a friend of hers, but she's still got one hurdle to jump over, asking him.
[00:01:39] I'm chicken. In this episode, we're going to unpack Cynthia's journey to becoming friends with benefits, tackle some of her fears around trust and responsibilities, and figure out the best path forward for her. Here's my conversation with Cynthia.[00:02:00]
[00:02:01] Cynthia, you've expressed an interest in exploring a friends with benefits relationship with a close friend who coincidentally was also a close friend of your late husband. . Can you share with us what led you to consider this path of transitioning your friendship to a friends with benefits relationship?
[00:02:26] Cynthia: Well, as you can imagine, for the first [00:02:30] two years, I was, you know, grieving, not that I'm not still, but you know, there's so many things to sort out.
[00:02:39] Past my husband's death, I noticed a bit of a change in me, almost like a loneliness, wanting a male companionship, and I'd heard of other widows talk about, you know, wanting companionship and sex, but not like to be a nurse or a purse to [00:03:00] that male companion.
[00:03:01] Michelle: A nurse or a purse. I've never heard that saying.
[00:03:07] Cynthia: I've heard women who said that, like, well, there's no way I'm going to be a nurse or a nurse to some man. And then I started reading all these sloppy romance novels and watching Harlequin movies. And I noticed that I had this like, almost like a little buzz in my stomach when the right people connected in the shows, [00:03:30] just right in my abdomen.
[00:03:31] It wasn't a sexual thing. It was more like an electrical thing.
[00:03:35] Michelle: So you feel this almost like an electric experience inside of your abdomen and then you start, it sounds like you got a bit curious about it.
[00:03:49] Cynthia: Yeah, and then I, when I was reading whatever, I was having sexual urges and yes, I can masturbate and pleasure myself [00:04:00] and if, you know I masturbate and I'm not having it a climax, I would turn on slow porn on the computer and I would climax immediately with that. Yeah. But then I started thinking, well, what about real life?
[00:04:17] Michelle: I wanted to ask you when your late husband passed away.
[00:04:23] Cynthia: Oh 2021.
[00:04:23] Michelle: And how would you describe your relationship with him?
[00:04:28] Cynthia: Well, you know, at the [00:04:30] end, it was difficult because he was quite sick for over a year.
[00:04:35] I was really more, you know, trying to support him, encourage him. And then in a caregiving role, towards the end, right?
[00:04:47] Michelle: Yeah. And what ultimately took his life?
[00:04:50] Cynthia: It was a lung condition.
[00:04:53] Michelle: And in your relationship with him, would you have described your sex [00:05:00] life as good enough? You know, maybe not as much as you would have liked, or maybe sex, if you had a choice, would be a little bit different?
[00:05:09] Cynthia: Depends. Yeah, not as much as I would have liked.
[00:05:14] Michelle: Got it. And so it sounds like in the relationship, there may have been a bit of discrepancy in desire. So then your husband passes away and it's not that the grieving's over by any means, right? It's a huge [00:05:30] loss because I guess the two of you, how long were the two of you together for?
[00:05:34] Cynthia: Probably over 50 years.
[00:05:37] Michelle: Okay, right. And I imagine, I'm just going to assume, but. I'm, you know, assuming that it was a monogamous relationship and that he may have been, uh, the only person that you've slept with in 50 years. I can also imagine just this idea of potentially being [00:06:00] sexual with somebody else would bring up some thoughts.
[00:06:07] Cynthia: Oh, yes, for sure. My ideal or my wish would be to meet someone new who I click with, and then that develops into a sexual relation. It's not always possible the older you get, right?
[00:06:23] Michelle: Have you tried? No.
[00:06:28] Cynthia: I'm terrified of those [00:06:30] dating sites and things like that.
[00:06:31] Michelle: Yeah. What terrifies
[00:06:33] Cynthia: you about them? It's probably a trust thing, like, you know, you don't really know who you're meeting.
[00:06:40] Michelle: Right. So it feels like a safety thing for you.
[00:06:43] Cynthia: Exactly. I had this friend. I thought, well, would he be interested in a sexual relationship?
[00:06:51] Michelle: But you're also not sure if, in reality, would Maybe [00:07:00] work, given that you don't know where he is at.
[00:07:04] Cynthia: Exactly. It's catchy, right? I'm chicken.
[00:07:09] Michelle: You're chicken just to really even just bring up the conversation, because for you it feels like once you bring it up, you can't unsay it.
[00:07:17] Cynthia:That's right.
[00:07:18 Michelle: I wonder if the two of you have ever spoken about the idea of going on dates with other people, with each other. [00:07:30]
[00:07:30] Cynthia: I know he does because he mentions women that he goes out with. And so going back many years, my husband and I and he and one of his girlfriends double dated, but I know that relationship is long past.
[00:07:47] I get the feeling that. A couple of women that he talks about are women that he does activities with. Well, kind of like me, right? We do different activities.
[00:07:59] Michelle: Does he say whether or [00:08:00] not he does sexual activities with them?
[00:08:04] Cynthia: No, never.
[00:08:05] Michelle: Hmm. Right. And why do you think he doesn't talk to you about that?
[00:08:12] Cynthia: I haven't got a clue.
[00:08:14] Michelle: And why haven't you asked?
[00:08:18] Cynthia: Laughter That's a very good question. I guess I could. Or at least, I mean, because we joke around all the time, I guess I could say to him, [00:08:30] so, are these women your sex partners? And see what happens.
[00:08:35] Michelle: Yeah, I wonder if, because it sounds like you're afraid to maybe just have this type of conversation, which, yeah, I can totally understand that that would be a bit scary.
[00:08:51] It's almost like telling somebody who you're in a friendship with that actually you like them more than a friend. Like [00:09:00] it takes the relationship, it shifts it in some. way. I wonder if there's a way to turn it down a little bit where it's not like, hey, let's sit down and talk. And this is what I'm thinking.
[00:09:15] But having a conversation around, hey, like when you go out with these women? Are you having sex with them? You know, how are you doing that? Like, where do you meet them? I don't know. Like, what do you [00:09:30] think when I say something like that? Like,
[00:09:32] Cynthia: I guess the scary thing for me would be if he, like, turned it around and said to me, but why do you want that sex?
[00:09:38] Michelle:[00:09:39] Right. So it would almost put you on the spot, because it also sounds like you're not 100 percent sure that this is the decision that You want to make for the relationship. So why is it that you would feel you'd have to [00:10:00] make one or the other decision? Because if he says, why, you want to have sex with me, I think for you, it feels like you either need to say yes. Or, you need to say, no.
[00:10:16] Cynthia: Right, that's true. That's true.
[00:10:21] Michelle: What would be another answer that you might give? Well, I
[00:10:25] Cynthia: could just say, oh, I was just thinking about it. Or something
[00:10:29] Michelle: [00:10:30] vague. Right. What's something else you might be able to say?
[00:10:35] Cynthia: Why do you want to?
[00:10:42] Michelle: Would that be helpful for you to know if you wanted to have sex with you?
[00:10:47] Cynthia: Uh, well, probably. Yeah. And then I would know, right?
[00:10:51] Michelle: What about actually just being completely honest [00:11:00] around, I don't know. It's not that I haven't thought about it. But I also know that I'm at a point in my life where I'm not sure I want to step into a longer term relationship.
[00:11:19] Cynthia: That's a really good point. You know, see the thing is that because of his situation, this is the sort of weird thing about it, but I would [00:11:30] never be able to go to his family gatherings if it developed into any further relationship. So then it would just be between him and me and would just have to stay as the relationship that we have now with some benefits, right?
[00:11:49] Michelle: I think what I'm hearing is that if the two of you were to make your relationship sexual, you feel like then that means you would be obligated [00:12:00] to go to family gatherings.
[00:12:02] Cynthia: I don't know how he would react. I mean, he might think that, Oh, well, like you're my girlfriend now, you know, you can come to family gatherings with me.
[00:12:13] And I don't want that. If it was somebody new and I was just meeting their family and discovering them, that would be different. But yeah, there's some issues in this family that I don't want to be part of. Yeah. So that kind of prevents me too from, [00:12:30] you know, like, Michelle, if you start having sex, you can't guarantee that feelings will develop on, you know, one or the other side.
[00:12:42] Michelle: I agree. I think it's hard to know, right? Some people, when they have sex, it takes the intimacy a level deeper. And I think it's really important to know within yourself. I mean, you don't really have control over how he interprets [00:13:00] or how he feels about you and what he hopes to have with you. You don't have any control over that.
[00:13:08] And it also doesn't mean that you need to then join him on his side. Right? Yeah. Like, you have boundaries. If your relationship is to turn sexual, the boundaries are that you're not looking to have a long term [00:13:30] relationship with him. If for some reason your feelings deepened and you felt like If you did want to have a relationship with him, it doesn't mean that you have to walk over your boundary, right?
[00:13:42] Which is really not wanting to have to be a part of those family dynamics, right? This is about negotiation, right? And I think that some people just assume, and I think it's more about what society deems as your role. [00:14:00] right, as a partner in a relationship, that that means you need to go to all family occasions.
[00:14:05] You need to move in together, share your lives together, right? Like these are, and I think we all think that without really questioning them, that that's the right way to go about things. But we have choice. We don't have to do those things. And I think that this is where you are, where there's this like complexity around [00:14:30] challenging the societal norms and expectations around what you're wanting from him.
[00:14:37] Cynthia: Yeah. With all the complications, you know, now that we're talking it through, it almost feels not worth it to be honest, you know, when I'm by myself and, and just sort of, you know, I'm in a sexual mood or whatever, I could feel like it's a good idea, but when I think of the reality of it, you know, because you never really know how much you can trust someone to keep their mouth [00:15:00] shut.
[00:14:59] Michelle:Right. And it sounds like your privacy is very important to you. Yeah. I think probably what might help you with knowing whether or not this is a okay decision is to have very light conversations around sex, like just about what he's up to and like what you're thinking about or not with him in particular, but more just about sex to see.
[00:15:28] Yeah. How he [00:15:30] thinks about it, it could be, who knows, like I don't know what his situation is, but maybe he has like multiple people that he has sex with. It's, it's hard to like, yeah,
[00:15:40] Cynthia: yeah. These women he suggests, I mean, he has said suggestive things to me, like just little gentle suggestive things, but I just sort of chuckle, right, you know, go along with them.
[00:15:53] Never really pick up on them, but no, I could have that discussion.
[00:15:57] Michelle: You're right. He may want exactly the [00:16:00] same thing that you want. True.
[00:16:03] Cynthia: But what questions do you ask? So all these women you're talking about, you're having sex with them all?
[00:16:10] Michelle: Well, I mean, when you think about what you actually want, you have to think about why, why you're asking the question and what's the information you want to get from him.
[00:16:21] So what do you want to get from him?
[00:16:24] Cynthia: I guess that is an opener to the conversation, but I'd [00:16:30] have to be ready for his response if I wanted to take it to the next step, right? Like he could say, Oh no, I'm not having sex with them. Why? Do you want to have sex?
[00:16:40] Michelle: You can always deflect, right? The thing is, it's about in that moment, it's you looking within yourself and wondering and asking yourself, do I want to say this right now?
[00:16:54] Right? Do I want to bring this up? But it might be helpful even [00:17:00] a step earlier than coming out with that question, talking about like, what his values are around sex. Right? Like, can he have sex without a relationship? Does he have You know, a number of different women that he has sex with and that's good information for you too.
[00:17:18] Right? Because regardless of people's age, I know that STIs have started to increase amongst people who are coming out of a [00:17:30] long term relationship because I mean, sometimes these relationships are like yours, 50 years where. Conversations around birth control and like condoms and stuff like that, they weren't really happening.
[00:17:45] And so people kind of just jump into bed and then next thing you know, they're in their 70s and you know, they have like, whatever, uh, chlamydia or something to that effect, right? And like, they feel mortified [00:18:00] because it just wasn't something that they thought about. So to see, like, how he thinks about that, you know, does he use protection?
[00:18:08] Sometimes these conversations outside of what is happening between the two of you and what you're thinking of asking him, getting some, like, ideas of how he thinks about sex.
[00:18:19] Cynthia: That's a good point. He may not be having it.
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[00:19:43] When you think about sex, Having sex with him. In your mind, do you think of sex as like you want to have penetration or intercourse or whatever you wanna call it? [00:20:00] Or do you think of sex in a different way?
[00:20:03] Cynthia: You know, I think of a lot of foreplay, but also penetration.
[00:20:08] Michelle: Okay. So I know that specifically people with penises in their seventies, their erections are going to change, right?
[00:20:17] Right. They may not be as firm as they need to be to have penetration. What would that be like if, for example, let's just say he was going through [00:20:30] that transition with his body?
[00:20:34] Cynthia: Well, I hadn't thought about that angle.
[00:20:35] Michelle: You're welcome.
[00:20:44] Cynthia: I don't know. Like, I forgot about that. Human anatomy.
[00:20:52] Michelle: It's not like he couldn't take Viagra or like some kind of injection or whatever, right? Yeah. x
[00:20:58] Cynthia: Well, I hadn't his fingers then or [00:21:00] something.
[00:21:00] Michelle: Would you be okay with that?
[00:21:03] Cynthia: I guess I would. The point is, if you want someone to arouse you and stimulate you sexually, you take what you can get at this stage of life.
[00:21:14] Michelle: Well, I mean, it's funny because the information that we have around people who have sex over the age of 65. Is that women in particular would start to rate their satisfaction with sex as [00:21:30] increasing after 65 and why that is, is because their partners, if they're in a heterosexual relationship, are starting to have some of the unpredictable erections, right? Or maybe they can't get firm enough. And so their sex life has started to expand where there is more of that touching all over the body versus like the focus of, of [00:22:00] penetration, right? For you, it's like if that sensation of having something inside of you and like oftentimes, Yes, it's wonderful if it's attached to a live human.
[00:22:14] Um, but it's probably good to have some, something around like a sex toy that will be able to give you that sensation while he's there, right? So a sex toy of some kind, like a dildo or whatever it [00:22:30] is that you would want, right? But to think about that, to have that nearby in the event that that's the sensation that you want to have.
[00:22:38] Cynthia: Right. Right. Exactly. That's a good point, Michelle.
[00:22:43] Michelle: How are you feeling about this conversation and like, where do you, where do you think you'll go with it?
[00:22:50] Cynthia: Uh, well, I'll think about it. I'm not sure where I'll go with it, but, um, you've given me a lot of things to think about and questions [00:23:00] to ask, which is very helpful for thinking it through myself.
[00:23:06] Michelle: Yeah, and also like, I know that the whole online dating piece is really scary and it's not just for you, it's for a lot of people and it's not specifically related to age either. There are options around finding people to date [00:23:30] that are either in a similar situation that you're in, or even maybe not online but something a little bit more in the middle, right?
[00:23:41] Some people do Matchmaking, but I'm seeing with a matchmaking service that doesn't cost you like 30, 000, you know, I mean, there's some bonkers expensive ones out there, but. Don't give up the dream of [00:24:00] eventually finding somebody who you really connect with and that you don't know, and I think often it's like putting yourself into situations where those types of men are in.
[00:24:17] Especially if you want them to be active, like cycling, golf, I don't know. There's so many different kinds of sports that you may want to [00:24:30] consider
[00:24:31] Cynthia: researching. Right. No, I will think about that. Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting. I know this is old news, but you know, when I think about. On my married friends who still have their partners that we used to get together with as couples Like of all of them, there's only one of them that has ever invited me Her place, like with her and her husband.
[00:24:56] Michelle: It's very couple centric.
[00:24:59] Cynthia: I know. [00:25:00] Like the others, I meet the woman for coffee or lunch or something. Right. But no more dinner invitations.
[00:25:07] Michelle: Why do you think that couples tend to shy away from inviting who may have been a long term friend, but now is, is. single, what holds them back from inviting them over to dinners where there are other couples?
[00:25:28] Cynthia: I'm not sure, to be honest. [00:25:30] Personally, I didn't feel that way, you know, when my husband and I were together. I mean, we had our single friends over, so I don't know what it is, to be honest.
[00:25:41] Michelle: Yeah, like, sometimes I think, I'm like, are they worried that you're going to, you know, start hitting on their husband or something?
[00:25:50] Or maybe It's that they think you don't want to be there. Maybe. Maybe. Right? It is a [00:26:00] very fascinating thing because I see it, I have friends that go through it, I know what it's like, and it's, it is quite perplexing, right, that if only we could just like jump into their brains to understand how they make those decisions, right?
[00:26:19] I mean, it's such a couple centric world. Even when you go on a vacation, it's more expensive. If you go single, right? Yes, [00:26:30] exactly. I feel like we should create some sort of movement against this.
[00:26:34] Cynthia: Yeah, exactly.
[00:26:38] Michelle: Cynthia, I, and I'm sure everybody that's listening, would love to hear what you finally decide. And so when you let me know that, I will for sure share it, even just like how the conversation went, um, but I really enjoyed this conversation and I'm so [00:27:00] grateful that you felt open enough.
[00:27:05] to talk about this experience that you're having, and I think it'll be really, really helpful for listeners out there who may be finding themselves in a very similar situation. And also, what I love about this is it really does challenge this idea that when People get beyond a certain age that they [00:27:30] lose their desire to be sexually connected.
[00:27:35] I'm not saying that there aren't some people who choose to do that and that's a fine choice for them, right? But you can foster it. You can continue to experience it well into your 70s, well into when, however old you are. And so I really appreciate you bringing your story forward.
[00:27:55] Cynthia: Thank you. And thank you for all the suggestions.
[00:27:59] [00:28:00] I'm really going to think this through now, Michelle.
[00:28:06] Michelle: Thank you, Cynthia, for opening up about your sexual journey and helping us dismantle shame associated with sexual exploration. If you have a story that you want to tell on Get Some, email me at michelle at getsome. ca. Don't forget to follow me on Instagram at Get some podcast. You'll get insights on sex and sexuality, dating tips, and behind the [00:28:30] scenes content between episodes.
[00:28:32] Our first online learning module called Unlearning Sexual Shame is out Now. It's designed to help you to begin understanding and unpacking the root cause of sexual shame. Go on our website GETSOME.ca to learn more. This show is produced by Katie Jensen at Vocal Fry Studios. Thanks for listening. See you [00:29:00] later.